Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
