There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Less talking, more tequila
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
