Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
