Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
