Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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