and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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