cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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