I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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