So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
