have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
