U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Randomize
