Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
