So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
