i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
His hands were made for my vagina.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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