there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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