well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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