We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
foreskin is a definite game changer
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
