It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
