I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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