I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
