I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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