Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
