Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
