i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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