worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
