when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
