I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
is that a dick in a sweater?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
