I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
