someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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