Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
