I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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