she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
