You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
