Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
