I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
