i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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