I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
