Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize