Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
