So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
whose parrot is this?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
