if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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