Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
