She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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