I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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