this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
So squirting runs in the family.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
