just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
