I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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