theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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