Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
