Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
