No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's never too late to be topless.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
