There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
