I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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