what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
