i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
