fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
