Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
