I will die if light touches me.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
