only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
