I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
