hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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