thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
